Leaving The Woods

Once again an American drinking an Americano

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

―Henry David Thoreau

“I’m going to get a van, a surfboard, and a guitar. I’ll figure out everything else from there”

―Me

…….

“I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any more time for that one.”

―Henry David Thoreau

“I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any more time for that one.”

―Me quoting Henry David Thoreau

I’ve been citing this second Thoreau quote to several people in my life the last few months. Towards the end of the summer here, I paid a bunch of money to fix the leaky roof in my van. I was working a boring job on a Kiwi fruit nursery that left my back sore everyday.

I had done the experiment. My old bass player and good friend was getting married and putting together a band of friends to play the wedding pre party with a fun setlist of covers. I wanted in. I was ready to go home. I was lonely. I was working harder for less money than my “cushy” sound tech night shifts.

I booked a one way ticket. A few weeks later the US-Iran war started and tickets back to NZ doubled in price. Seemed like a sign to stay stateside. I started studying for the LSAT. Convinced that I could, can, work as an attorney to amplify the voices that deserve to be heard at least as effectively as I was as a music producer. No one really buys records anyways and tons of vulnerable populations are having their human rights squashed by an increasing facist government.

But something maybe changed. Things got more complicated. I worked another job on a vineyard in Cromwell, that I really enjoyed. I started traveling to beautiful places as a holiday and loving it. I met amazing people on the Routeburn and Paparoa tracks. I brought a wetsuit and caught some good waves. I met a girl in Dunedin right as I was supposed to be leaving and maybe caught some feelings.

Leaving the woods suddenly seemed a lot more bittersweet. My mom retired and we flew to Melbourne together. I was reminded what a big city could look like. The appeal of becoming an expat on a more permanent basis maybe creeped in.

But things were set. Sophie told me not to come back for her. Two days ago, I sold the van at a hefty loss to a tall Maori dude stoked to travel his own country more. My flight to New York boards tomorrow.

I’ve occupied my free time in the hostel by obsessing over the stats of camera lenses that I don’t need to buy.

But I also started playing open mics. I made friends with the host here who was working on demoing out his own record and helped him eq some tracks in logic. He helped me organize the chorus of one of my in progress songs.

I saw a girl from Poland play You Learn on an out of tune acoustic guitar.

I found myself just listening to music and feeling it emotionally for the first time in years. I wrote an entire substack that I didn’t publish while hungover after a night dancing in Auckland with friends from my first job here. The best part is below:

Funny how a cute girl doesn’t eat meat and I find myself a vegetarian again.

I sat outside of the church next to the highway

Hearing the hymns through the wall mix with passing traffic

Peaking around the corner and hearing some of the service I realized it was being held in the native Māori language.

I stared into the cemetery and listened to the next song. Did my best to just be in the moment. Fighting my main character urge to document everything in my life for some silly internet blog with 75 subscribers. Eventually losing the fight. But not before looking at the rows of bodies, letting the music wash over me and realizing that is where we’re all going to end up.

So yeah, here I am in a hostel in Auckland again, whittling down my possessions to what I can carry. Boarding a flight to NYC tomorrow.

I’ll stay a night with a cousin. Catch a train to my dad’s house in Massachusetts. Learn the chords for the songs in the cover set. Borrow a car and drive to Paul’s wedding in Maine. Stay at my dad’s through July 4, hang with my step sister’s friends on cape cod.

Fly back to California, where my car is parked at my mom’s house. Surf and hike with my brother. Probably get a part time job or drive uber while studying for the LSAT. Move back to Nashville later in the summer. Start a record label. Find a job. Hopefully get accepted into law school.

In some ways it feels like I’m going back to real life. End of a vacation. But I think more accurately is that I’ve actually been living more already than I have the last few years. I’m not sure if life will ever feel “real” again. Or that’s not really the right way to put it. It will maybe feel more “real” than it ever was. idk dawg, not really finding the clever words here. Guess I'll have to live it and see.

If this reeks of toxic optimism, how I actually feel is much more closely described by Marc Maron’s bit below.

I guess once again I’m an American drinking americanos, a bachelor looking forward to a bachelor party. Pulling onto the highway listening to Roedelius 90, wondering what the future might bring.

-Allan

Here’s some of my music:

And some more film shots I just got back from development.